recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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