don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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