She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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