Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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