my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize