when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
