btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
