you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
