my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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