Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
