You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
