You made me cry and you don't even care
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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