judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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