The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize