I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
