all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
