We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
