Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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