I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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