i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
