so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
