I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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