Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
