I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
