i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
