Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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