it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
