i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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