Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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