Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
