K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
