god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
