I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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