i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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