I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
