Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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