i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
