Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
