While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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