I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
