mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
