Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize