It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
