I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
