I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
