around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
