More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize