I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
