I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
