her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
