Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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