Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
