i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
