Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
