Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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