I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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