Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
