the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
