tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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