I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Randomize
