I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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