I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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