I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
